Hey kids! (And by kids I mean the college variety.) Do you yearn to show your love for America and support for its current leader? Want to work for the White House? Willing to do it for free?
Have I got a deal for you. And, as one who spent a few years working in the White House (albeit not for the White House), I can tell you it’s an inspiring place to go to work every day, regardless of who’s living in the living quarters.
Applications now are being accepted for the Spring 2018 White House Internship Program, a longstanding and wonderful program through which many fine young people have matriculated, which only sounds dirty because you think of one particular intern when you hear the words “White House intern.”
To qualify, you have to be at least 18 by Jan. 10. And you must be a U.S. citizen and either enrolled in college or have graduated from college within the past two years. (FYI, “colleges” in this case do not include Trump’s favorite one — the Electoral College.) Military vets with a high school diploma and active duty within the past two years also are eligible.
Those are the rules. Here’s the deal, as detailed in a recent White House announcement about the program: “The White House Internship Program is highly competitive. Applicants are selected based on their demonstrated commitment to public service, leadership in their community, and commitment to the Trump Administration.”
You’re on your own in figuring out how best to show commitment to the Trump administration. A photo of you wearing a MAGA hat or a “Hillary for Prison” t-shirt might be a good start. A deep hatred for folks of my chosen profession also might help.
For more info, I clicked on the click here button that led to the voluminous application which, we’re warned, must be completed in one sitting. It would be unfair to have an attention span that exceeds the president’s.
The first thing you’ll be asked for is your contact info and social media accounts. We know our president is a fan of social media accounts. You might want to check out his tweetery, @realDonaldTrump, to see the tone his prefers.
Next you’ll be asked for “short answer responses (of no more than 1,000 characters) to the following questions.” Here’s the first question: “Why are you committed to supporting President Donald J. Trump’s Administration?”
Here’s the second question: “Who is your favorite president, and why?”
It might be a good idea if your answer to the second question includes the president named in the first question. And superlatives are great. “Godlike” might be a bit much, but adjectives like “greatest” and “best” and “unparalleled” probably would work. It never hurts to see someone as they see themselves.
But enough about the president. The next five questions are about you. Then we get back to our president: “What Trump Administration policy has resonated with you most? Why?”
A good answer would be “All of them because they are all the greatest policies ever. And Hillary’s a crook, and Comey’s a weenie.”
The last question is “Have you previously volunteered or worked for a political campaign, elected official or government office at any level? If yes, please describe your role, the campaign, official or office you worked for and the year(s).”
The best answer is “Donald J. Trump in 2016.” A really bad answer is “Hillary Clinton in 2016.” Oddly enough, another good answer would be “Hillary Clinton in 2016. I was in charge of erasing e-mails and am ready to spill my guts about it.”
You also must get two letters of recommendation. “The White House Internship Program cannot recommend who should write a letter of recommendation on your behalf,” we’re told. But I can. Or at least I could until recently. I was going to recommend Reince Priebus or Sean Spicer or Anthony Scaramucci or Michael Flynn, but it looks like you now might want to look elsewhere. Vladimir Putin still might work.
Please be advised these are unpaid internships and you have to find and finance your own housing. Let me know if you apply and let me know if you’re selected. And then let me know if you’ll leak. I’m pretty good at keeping secrets.
Sept. 8 is the application deadline. Check it out at whitehouse.gov/participate/internships.
Here’s some insight on the kind of experiences you can expect. This one comes from current White House intern Nikkie Nguyen of Westminster, Calif., and it’s posted on the White House web site: “As an intern in the Office of Presidential Correspondence, I have the opportunity to see the immense support President Donald J. Trump receives from the American public. Reading the mail he receives and taking comments from the American public has revealed a level of support and commitment that deviates far past the media coverage.”
So it sounds like 100 percent support for our president. It’s always good when a president has 100 percent support.
One other thing, asked seriously (sort of). We’re all hoping the current investigations of Trump turn up nothing. And we hope that because we’d hate to find out we elected a lying crook who got cozy with a nation not necessarily committed to making American great again. That just wouldn’t reflect well on us (or at least on our Electoral College).
But let’s assume the worst and that Trump might be out of office within 18 months of when he took office. Sad, I know, perhaps especially for Democrats who might find that President Michael Pence could actually get the GOP Congress to approve things that Democrats hate and Trump is too inept to get through.
Here’s the question: If Trump makes a premature exit from office, would there be a Donald J. Trump Presidential Library? Where would it be? Manhattan? Mar-a-Lago? Moscow? Marion, Illinois’ medium-security federal prison?
And what would be in the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library if he serves a truncated term? A bunch of tweets? The most famous presidential hat since the one Abe Lincoln wore? A casino?