Kelso: Will the real Donald Trump please stand up?

Updated Nov 12, 2016

It’s official. The campaign is finally and mercifully over. My big Italian bird dog has ripped much of the stuffing out of her Donald Trump dog toy. My dog must be a natural-born Democrat. I didn’t train her to tear up the Trumpster. Honest.

Meanwhile, here I am, trying to find at least a tiny ray of sunshine with this Trump-being-my-president thing.

I remain hopeful that the man was simply putting us on during his campaign. You know you’re on shaky ground when your best hope is that the man who’s about to become your leader is a liar. But that’s where it’s at with me.

Maybe Trump was just blowing smoke for votes. It would set my mind at ease if that’s the case. Maybe he put out all that hard-line rhetoric just to get votes. Maybe he was merely chasing the mean-spirited jerk vote. Maybe he said he wanted to keep all the Muslims out of the country so he could take, say, Kansas.

Here’s another bright spot, folks. Maybe Trump doesn’t think the Mexicans coming illegally into the U.S. are a bunch of rapists. Maybe he doesn’t really want to send back all of the people living in the country who came here illegally, regardless of whether they got here at 5 years old.

Then there was the Donald telling us in his acceptance speech we should all unite and come together. That’s funny, since his campaign rallies seemed to be instigating a national fistfight. What’s it going to be, Donald? A love-in, or 10 rounds of kickboxing?

And how about Trump’s take on Hillary Clinton? Pre-election, he wanted to throw her the clink over her email problem. Now, suddenly, she’s just a wonderful public servant.

So I’m hoping Trump isn’t really a nutcase and just pooped out all that hard-line rhetoric so he could end up in the White House. Trump’s in real estate, so there’s a good possibility he was, uh, exaggerating, right?

You know how real estate agents will send you a photo of the house with the swimming pool, although the photo doesn’t show the dead frog at the bottom of the pool? Real estate people do that sort of thing, which is why I’m a bit optimistic about four years of Trump being the most powerful man on the globe.

Maybe he was completely full of garbanzos the whole time.

Here’s another thing that’s a bit sketchy about the Trumpster: He won by presenting himself as a man of the people.

Says who? Has he ever even been to a garage sale? Where he gets his hair cut, do the barbers keep a copy of Field and Stream handy on the table for the customers to peruse?

Has he ever tapped a keg? These are the questions Americans should have been asking before they decided he was their regular guy.

Part of this is my fault. I blew it. This is the year I should have run for president. Again. In 1980, I ran for president of the United States on a platform similar to Trump’s, just one of the folks.

The campaign went nowhere. I took a few trips to New Hampshire to try to get registered voters to sign a petition so I could at least get on the ballot up there. I went to high school in New Hampshire, so I figured I could run as a native son. A regular guy sort of native son.

But I didn’t have any money to speak of, so the campaign fell short. Trump didn’t have that problem. Being a wealthy real estate mogul, he could pull it off and fly all over the U.S. telling Americans he was just one of them, a regular dude concerned about their regular problems.

Oh really? Has he ever been late on the rent because the two jobs he was working didn’t cut the mustard? Does he have a collection of favorite ball caps? I do. I have about 50 ball caps in my closet at home, standard issue for a regular guy. I’ve got a Longhorn Hellraisers hat, a hat from the Chicken Ranch in Nevada, even a Trump hat somewhere.

Groper that he is, you’d think Trump might have a Chicken Ranch hat from Nevada. I’ll bet he doesn’t. I’ll bet he doesn’t have more than a couple of gimme hats, and none of them from a feed and seed store.

Has Donald ever been snot-slingin’ drunk up in Dallas for OU Weekend? Does he even know what OU Weekend is?

Probably not. Just one of the folks, my dyin’ petunias.

But let’s give him a chance, and see what he’s really all about. Will the real Donald Trump please stand up? America needs to know.