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Latest from John Kelso

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Kelso: Sooners’ secret: They’re socialists

12:50 AM Saturday, Jul. 22, 2017

It’s no secret that I was born in Oklahoma. But don’t hold it against me. The first words I ever spoke? At birth, I said, “I know what. Let’s get the hell out of here.” Really. It’s become a tradition for me to write a column right before the big Texas-Oklahoma football game poking fun at the entire state...
Kelso: Easy cure for Clinton: Wear mitts

12:42 AM Saturday, Jul. 22, 2017

If busy hands are happy hands, then Bill “Pinocchio” Clinton’s fingers must be about half giddy. It’s not that I don’t like Clinton. It’s just that he has this problem with what to do with his hands. I suffered from the same dilemma when I quit smoking 10 years ago. But at least with me it didn’t...
Gator guy does nation’s hicks proud

12:34 AM Saturday, Jul. 22, 2017

I’m a little jealous, because once again Texas has been out-goobered by another part of the country. The rednecky story of the year so far comes out of Florida. David Havenner of Port Orange was busted over the weekend for picking up his 3-foot alligator, swinging it and hitting his girlfriend with it. Havenner, 41, who is in jail facing...
Kelso: Where have all the great handymen gone?
 I’ve had bad luck with handymen. And I need one badly. I couldn’t fix a baseball game. That’s sort of a Pete Rose Joke, OK? The guys who are talented with home repairs tell me they got their education from watching their dads fix things around the house. My dad was a forester, and smart, but he wasn’t the least bit...

6:00 AM Saturday, Jul. 01, 2017

I’ve had bad luck with handymen. And I need one badly. I couldn’t fix a baseball game. That’s sort of a Pete Rose Joke, OK? The guys who are talented with home repairs tell me they got their education from watching their dads fix things around the house. My dad was a forester, and smart, but he wasn’t the least bit...
Kelso: So governor, you don’t like Austin? Leave!
 Gov. Greg Abbott needs to get the heck out of Austin. See, the governor doesn’t like our city. It’s too liberal for him and doesn’t fit the Texas conservative mold, he said so while speaking at a dinner put on by the Bell County Republican Party. “As you leave Austin and start heading north, you start feeling different...

7:00 AM Saturday, Jun. 10, 2017

Gov. Greg Abbott needs to get the heck out of Austin. See, the governor doesn’t like our city. It’s too liberal for him and doesn’t fit the Texas conservative mold, he said so while speaking at a dinner put on by the Bell County Republican Party. “As you leave Austin and start heading north, you start feeling different...
Kelso: Documentary on man who put the gore in ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’
 Joe O’Connell is doing his part to promote Austin’s eccentricity. O’Connell, an old newspaper guy who has written about film for several Texas papers, is shooting a documentary about the late Robert Burns, the man who put the gore in the original “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” movie. In case you haven’t...

7:00 AM Saturday, Jun. 03, 2017

Joe O’Connell is doing his part to promote Austin’s eccentricity. O’Connell, an old newspaper guy who has written about film for several Texas papers, is shooting a documentary about the late Robert Burns, the man who put the gore in the original “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” movie. In case you haven’t...
Kelso: Selfie junkies enjoy being the center of their own attention
 My friend and former South Austin next-door neighbor Shawnna Dwyer gets a charge out of taking selfies, sort of, although she admits they’re “completely self-centered” and “stupid.” But that didn’t stop her from taking a selfie with humorist and author David Sedaris right after his recent appearance at...

8:50 PM Friday, May. 19, 2017

My friend and former South Austin next-door neighbor Shawnna Dwyer gets a charge out of taking selfies, sort of, although she admits they’re “completely self-centered” and “stupid.” But that didn’t stop her from taking a selfie with humorist and author David Sedaris right after his recent appearance at...
Kelso: Don’t forget feng shui, decor touches in designing border wall
 So now that the Affordable Care Act replacement move has been botched — at least momentarily — it’s time to move onto Donald Trump’s next big campaign promise: building that $21.6 billion, 2,000-mile wall along the Texas/Mexico border. That’s a lot of dough for a wall, isn’t it? That’s a wall that&rsquo...

6:19 PM Saturday, Apr. 01, 2017

So now that the Affordable Care Act replacement move has been botched — at least momentarily — it’s time to move onto Donald Trump’s next big campaign promise: building that $21.6 billion, 2,000-mile wall along the Texas/Mexico border. That’s a lot of dough for a wall, isn’t it? That’s a wall that&rsquo...
Kelso: Trump can’t tell difference between fake, unfavorable news
 That 3,000-year-old hunk of statue that has been dug up by Egyptian and German archaeologists being promoted as a likeness of an ancient Pharaoh? Sadly for science, it’s a phony replica of Donald Trump’s head, buried in a Cairo slum by the Trump team to give the Trumpster even more publicity than he already gets. The piece will...

4:09 PM Saturday, Mar. 18, 2017

That 3,000-year-old hunk of statue that has been dug up by Egyptian and German archaeologists being promoted as a likeness of an ancient Pharaoh? Sadly for science, it’s a phony replica of Donald Trump’s head, buried in a Cairo slum by the Trump team to give the Trumpster even more publicity than he already gets. The piece will...
KELSO: Where else would hundreds line up to talk about using the john?
 Talk about a blown opportunity for Austin. On Tuesday at the Capitol, more than 430 people lined up to give their opinions on Senate Bill 6, the take-it-or-leak-it bill. That’s what I call it anyway. The bill, if passed, would make transgender folks go to the bathroom designated for the sex the person was given at birth. The concern...

6:00 AM Saturday, Mar. 11, 2017

Talk about a blown opportunity for Austin. On Tuesday at the Capitol, more than 430 people lined up to give their opinions on Senate Bill 6, the take-it-or-leak-it bill. That’s what I call it anyway. The bill, if passed, would make transgender folks go to the bathroom designated for the sex the person was given at birth. The concern...
Kelso: Happy summer camping Austin
 Having been named Senior All Camper at Trout Lake Camp in the 1950s, I feel qualified to speak in favor of sending your kids off to camp for the summer. I think I was 12 when I won the award, presented to me in front of the hundreds of fellow campers who were gathered in the camp dining room for dessert. I still remember my acceptance speech...

5:00 AM Saturday, Mar. 04, 2017

Having been named Senior All Camper at Trout Lake Camp in the 1950s, I feel qualified to speak in favor of sending your kids off to camp for the summer. I think I was 12 when I won the award, presented to me in front of the hundreds of fellow campers who were gathered in the camp dining room for dessert. I still remember my acceptance speech...
Kelso: Donald Trump memorabilia should be displayed at Smithsonian
 Now that he’s president and the leader of the free world, the Donald has the whole world in his hands. In fact, he had the whole world in his hands before he was named Groper in Chief. The problem was that sometimes the hands reportedly were uninvited — and on women. Ah, for the good old days before Trump was president and signing...

3:00 AM Saturday, Feb. 04, 2017

Now that he’s president and the leader of the free world, the Donald has the whole world in his hands. In fact, he had the whole world in his hands before he was named Groper in Chief. The problem was that sometimes the hands reportedly were uninvited — and on women. Ah, for the good old days before Trump was president and signing...
Kelso: Time for legislators to get their minds out of the bathroom

5:00 AM Saturday, Jan. 14, 2017

I really don’t understand all this fuss about who goes where to the bathroom. Oh, it’s a big deal at the Capitol. State Rep. Matt Schaefer, a Republican from Tyler, is so concerned about the issue that he proposed an amendment requiring people to use johns corresponding to their biological sex in the House’s bathrooms. The...
Kelso: When the going got tough, former Austinite made jerky
 It could be that the best thing that ever happened to Gary Keeney was being laid off by Dell. As a result of his lost Austin job, he’s opened up his thriving Keeno’s Beef Jerky business in Wichita Falls, his old hometown in the northern part of the state. The move has worked out well, but, when Keeney decided to split the Austin...

1:29 AM Saturday, Jan. 07, 2017

It could be that the best thing that ever happened to Gary Keeney was being laid off by Dell. As a result of his lost Austin job, he’s opened up his thriving Keeno’s Beef Jerky business in Wichita Falls, his old hometown in the northern part of the state. The move has worked out well, but, when Keeney decided to split the Austin...
Kelso: When the internet serves up a slice of stupidity
 Sometimes I think the internet is the work of the devil. Like right now. Look at the hell that has been heaped on East Side Pies, a really good, little pizza joint at Rosewood and Angelina. Thanks to the stupidity of some who can’t distinguish hard news from “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” East Side Pies is being wildly targeted...

5:00 AM Saturday, Dec. 17, 2016

Sometimes I think the internet is the work of the devil. Like right now. Look at the hell that has been heaped on East Side Pies, a really good, little pizza joint at Rosewood and Angelina. Thanks to the stupidity of some who can’t distinguish hard news from “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” East Side Pies is being wildly targeted...
Kelso: Still hooked on that ’96 Longhorns’ win
 I figure every Longhorn football fan has a favorite game, and I’m no exception. Of course, nothing comes to mind this year. And my favorite Longhorn game wasn’t the Longhorns’ national championship game against USC in Pasadena, when Vince Young stunned the Trojans and most of Southern California with a late touchdown run...

5:00 AM Saturday, Dec. 10, 2016

I figure every Longhorn football fan has a favorite game, and I’m no exception. Of course, nothing comes to mind this year. And my favorite Longhorn game wasn’t the Longhorns’ national championship game against USC in Pasadena, when Vince Young stunned the Trojans and most of Southern California with a late touchdown run...
Kelso: How well do you know Austin lore, myths, legends?
 Here’s a little Austin quiz for you, just for the fun of it. What former funny, yet acerbic, Austin radio personality was famous for the expression “Good night, nurse”? Easy one for all you old-timers: Sammy Allred, at KVET-AM, who used to tick more people off than Austin City Council Member Don Zimmerman. Hard to believe...

6:12 PM Saturday, Dec. 03, 2016

Here’s a little Austin quiz for you, just for the fun of it. What former funny, yet acerbic, Austin radio personality was famous for the expression “Good night, nurse”? Easy one for all you old-timers: Sammy Allred, at KVET-AM, who used to tick more people off than Austin City Council Member Don Zimmerman. Hard to believe...
Kelso: What’s so special about being white?
 It’s time to come clean. I’m a white guy. You probably already knew that, but with these alt-right guys telling us that being white is exceptional, I figured it was time to let the cat out of the bag. Funny thing is being white doesn’t make me feel exceptional. In fact, it doesn’t really make me feel anything. I&rsquo...

8:58 PM Friday, Nov. 25, 2016

It’s time to come clean. I’m a white guy. You probably already knew that, but with these alt-right guys telling us that being white is exceptional, I figured it was time to let the cat out of the bag. Funny thing is being white doesn’t make me feel exceptional. In fact, it doesn’t really make me feel anything. I&rsquo...
Kelso: Do Trump’s off-again, on-again political friendships offer hope?
 You know what drives me bonkers? It’s the way our politicos so quickly and vehemently change their minds about whether another elected official is a pretty good guy or just plain old scum. Take the case of U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, who met Tuesday with President-elect Donald Trump at Trump’s digs in his Trump Tower on Fifth...

7:01 AM Saturday, Nov. 19, 2016

You know what drives me bonkers? It’s the way our politicos so quickly and vehemently change their minds about whether another elected official is a pretty good guy or just plain old scum. Take the case of U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, who met Tuesday with President-elect Donald Trump at Trump’s digs in his Trump Tower on Fifth...
Kelso: Will the real Donald Trump please stand up?
 It’s official. The campaign is finally and mercifully over. My big Italian bird dog has ripped much of the stuffing out of her Donald Trump dog toy. My dog must be a natural-born Democrat. I didn’t train her to tear up the Trumpster. Honest. Meanwhile, here I am, trying to find at least a tiny ray of sunshine with this Trump-being-my-president...

5:05 PM Saturday, Nov. 12, 2016

It’s official. The campaign is finally and mercifully over. My big Italian bird dog has ripped much of the stuffing out of her Donald Trump dog toy. My dog must be a natural-born Democrat. I didn’t train her to tear up the Trumpster. Honest. Meanwhile, here I am, trying to find at least a tiny ray of sunshine with this Trump-being-my-president...
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