Kelso: Will the real Donald Trump please stand up?


It’s official. The campaign is finally and mercifully over. My big Italian bird dog has ripped much of the stuffing out of her Donald Trump dog toy. My dog must be a natural-born Democrat. I didn’t train her to tear up the Trumpster. Honest.

Meanwhile, here I am, trying to find at least a tiny ray of sunshine with this Trump-being-my-president thing.

I remain hopeful that the man was simply putting us on during his campaign. You know you’re on shaky ground when your best hope is that the man who’s about to become your leader is a liar. But that’s where it’s at with me.

Maybe Trump was just blowing smoke for votes. It would set my mind at ease if that’s the case. Maybe he put out all that hard-line rhetoric just to get votes. Maybe he was merely chasing the mean-spirited jerk vote. Maybe he said he wanted to keep all the Muslims out of the country so he could take, say, Kansas.

Here’s another bright spot, folks. Maybe Trump doesn’t think the Mexicans coming illegally into the U.S. are a bunch of rapists. Maybe he doesn’t really want to send back all of the people living in the country who came here illegally, regardless of whether they got here at 5 years old.

Then there was the Donald telling us in his acceptance speech we should all unite and come together. That’s funny, since his campaign rallies seemed to be instigating a national fistfight. What’s it going to be, Donald? A love-in, or 10 rounds of kickboxing?

And how about Trump’s take on Hillary Clinton? Pre-election, he wanted to throw her the clink over her email problem. Now, suddenly, she’s just a wonderful public servant.

So I’m hoping Trump isn’t really a nutcase and just pooped out all that hard-line rhetoric so he could end up in the White House. Trump’s in real estate, so there’s a good possibility he was, uh, exaggerating, right?

You know how real estate agents will send you a photo of the house with the swimming pool, although the photo doesn’t show the dead frog at the bottom of the pool? Real estate people do that sort of thing, which is why I’m a bit optimistic about four years of Trump being the most powerful man on the globe.

Maybe he was completely full of garbanzos the whole time.

Here’s another thing that’s a bit sketchy about the Trumpster: He won by presenting himself as a man of the people.

Says who? Has he ever even been to a garage sale? Where he gets his hair cut, do the barbers keep a copy of Field and Stream handy on the table for the customers to peruse?

Has he ever tapped a keg? These are the questions Americans should have been asking before they decided he was their regular guy.

Part of this is my fault. I blew it. This is the year I should have run for president. Again. In 1980, I ran for president of the United States on a platform similar to Trump’s, just one of the folks.

The campaign went nowhere. I took a few trips to New Hampshire to try to get registered voters to sign a petition so I could at least get on the ballot up there. I went to high school in New Hampshire, so I figured I could run as a native son. A regular guy sort of native son.

But I didn’t have any money to speak of, so the campaign fell short. Trump didn’t have that problem. Being a wealthy real estate mogul, he could pull it off and fly all over the U.S. telling Americans he was just one of them, a regular dude concerned about their regular problems.

Oh really? Has he ever been late on the rent because the two jobs he was working didn’t cut the mustard? Does he have a collection of favorite ball caps? I do. I have about 50 ball caps in my closet at home, standard issue for a regular guy. I’ve got a Longhorn Hellraisers hat, a hat from the Chicken Ranch in Nevada, even a Trump hat somewhere.

Groper that he is, you’d think Trump might have a Chicken Ranch hat from Nevada. I’ll bet he doesn’t. I’ll bet he doesn’t have more than a couple of gimme hats, and none of them from a feed and seed store.

Has Donald ever been snot-slingin’ drunk up in Dallas for OU Weekend? Does he even know what OU Weekend is?

Probably not. Just one of the folks, my dyin’ petunias.

But let’s give him a chance, and see what he’s really all about. Will the real Donald Trump please stand up? America needs to know.


Reader Comments ...


Next Up in Local

Man accused of abandoning 6-year-old son in Georgetown hotel room
Man accused of abandoning 6-year-old son in Georgetown hotel room

A man is accused of leaving his 6-year-old son alone in a Georgetown hotel room and not returning, an arrest affidavit said. Gregory Flores, 45, of Georgetown was charged with abandoning or endangering a child, a state jail felony punishable by up to two years in jail. An employee of the Days Inn at 333 North Interstate 35 in Georgetown told police...
H-E-B’s annual Feast of Sharing serves food, fun for free
H-E-B’s annual Feast of Sharing serves food, fun for free

People — some to serve, some to be served — poured into the Palmer Events Center on Tuesday afternoon for H-E-B’s annual Feast of Sharing. Diners were greeted by smiling volunteers and the smells of a Thanksgiving meal, as well as H-E-B’s mascot, H‑E‑Buddy, a giant grocery bag that gave high-fives and hugs to families...
Police: Woman sexually assaulted and thrown out of car in Round Rock
Police: Woman sexually assaulted and thrown out of car in Round Rock

A man accused of sexually assaulting a woman he met at a Round Rock bar was arrested last weekend, nearly two years after the crime was first reported to police. Roy Thomas Walters, 37, of Hutto is charged with sexual assault, a second-degree felony punishable by up to 20 years in prison. Nick Olivier, a spokesman for the Round Rock police, said the...
Two more women accuse guard of sexual misconduct at immigration lockup
Two more women accuse guard of sexual misconduct at immigration lockup

Two more women have accused guards at a Williamson County federal immigration detention center of sexual misconduct following another immigrant detainee’s recent accusation of being sexually assaulted at the Taylor facility. The immigrant advocacy group Grassroots Leadership on Tuesday announced that staff had spoken with one woman, accused of...
Man, 38, wounded in North Austin shooting, police say

NORTH AUSTIN Man wounded in shooting A man was shot and injured in North Austin on Tuesday afternoon, Austin police said. A police spokeswoman said officers were called out to the 10400 block of Little Pebble Drive, near Metric Boulevard, at 2:12 p.m. after receiving a call for a shooting in the area. Officers arrived and found a 38-year-old man with...
More Stories