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Herman: Predictions for the new year


I can tell by the calendar that it’s time to get a new calendar. Happy New Year (and happy holidays to those who don’t celebrate the new year). It’s time for my annual can’t-miss predictions for the year ahead, which, amazingly, is 2016.

For baby boomers, 2016 sounds like some year in the distant future when we all live a Jetsonian existence, freed from terrestrial traffic jams, aided by robotic domestic help (beyond Roomba) and gainfully employed by either a sprocket company or a cog company.

Prior to telling you what’s going to happen this new year, let’s take a look back at my can’t-miss predictions for the recently ended old year and see how I did.

Looks like, as usual, I did pretty well, including with predictions that said a Texan would run for president, somebody would open a new Mexican restaurant in Austin and you would continue to have problems despite politicians’ promises to solve all your problems.

Amazing, right? I know. It’s a gift. More than one person has said I must be psychotic. I attribute any success I’ve had in life to my uncanny and masterful command of the obvious.

So now, to rescue you from the suspense of waiting to see what will happen in the next 12 months, here’s what to expect. I hope I’m not going too far out on a ledge with some of these:

  • Allegations of beauty pageant fixing will roil anew as an earthling again wins the Miss Universe contest.
  • A reader will call me a left-wing, commie, Hillary-loving, Obamacare-embracing liberal hack.
  • The Mattress Firm chain, seeking to out-Starbucks Starbucks and continuing its strategy to have a store on every corner, will open one in your guest bedroom.
  • Donald Trump will say something that embarrasses all of humanity, save for those who think he should be president of a major nation.
  • Despite politicians who pat themselves on the back for lowering your property taxes, your property taxes again will go up.
  • Central Texas will endure heavy rains.
  • You will buy something you absolutely do not need. (Hey, anybody see my recent column about my purchase of a drone?)
  • The Texas Legislature will do nothing to bring ridicule upon our state. (Note: The Texas Legislature is not scheduled to meet in 2016.)
  • A reader will call me a right-wing, fascist, flat-earth-society-loving conservative hack.
  • Central Texas will endure a drought.
  • 2016 will be one day longer than 2015, 2014 or 2013. That extra day will come sometime between mid-February and mid-March, but don’t hold me to that.
  • Something will happen (probably in gymnastics) at the Summer Olympics in Brazil that will make us wonder about the integrity of the Olympics.
  • Rick Santorum again will not be elected president of a major nation. He then will turn his attention to minor nations. They’ll say they’re busy right now but will promise to “get back to him about it.” They won’t.
  • A reader who says he never reads my columns will tell me I’m always wrong.

 

Here’s hoping 2016 brings health and security to all of us and just the right amount of political nonsense to keep us entertained/outraged while not threatening the continued existence of our nation (yes, that last part is a Trump reference).


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