A high-flying “Titanic” rip-off teaches us there’s no room in blimp steerage for dancing; Gilbert Gottfried’s wife gets some much-needed peace and quiet; and the most powerful man in the Dubya White House gets the documentary treatment — here’s what to watch and what to avoid on television this week:
Monday: “The Bachelor” 7 p.m., ABC: Sean chooses the winner of the game — and future mother of his children — in tonight’s Season 17 finale.
“Hindenburg: The Last Flight” 7 p.m., Encore: This miniseries sounds a lot like the movie “Titanic,” but in the air — especially the part where the young stowaway and the tycoon’s daughter climb up onto the tip of the zeppelin and he shouts, “I’m king of the world!”
“King’s Point” 8 p.m., HBO: You mean “King’s Poignant.” Half-hour doc visits seniors at a Florida retirement community.
Tuesday: “Celebrity Wife Swap” 7 p.m., ABC: Gilbert Gottfried’s and Alan Thicke’s wife trade places. Boy, this is a toughie. I’ve gotta think that Gottfried’s wife is going to get a nice rest, while Thicke’s spouse is going to need aspirin.
“Hell’s Kitchen” 7 p.m., Fox: 20 chefs compete in the 11th-season opener. That’s a lot of food. And bleeped swearing.
“The Taste” 8 p.m., ABC: Judges announce the inaugural season’s winner.
Wednesday: “Survivor: Caramoan” 7 p.m., CBS: “Caramoan” — fun to say, even more fun to order from a Starbucks barista.
“Under Siege: America’s Northern Border” 8 p.m., Discovery: “Maybe we should build a big fence, eh?”
Thursday: “The Vampire Diaries” 7 p.m., CW: Elena becomes a cheerleader. “Give me an F! Give me an A! Give me a N! Give me a G!”
“Funeral Boss” 9 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health: This new reality series follows a family that runs a funeral home. I’m calling it “Caskets: Caramoan.”
“Braxton Family Values” 9 p.m., WEtv: Season 3 begins.
Friday: “Centric’s Comedy All-Stars” 7 p.m., BET: Comedian George Wallace gets a lifetime achievement nod.
“Moonraker” 7 p.m., G4: “We’re gonna need a bigger rake.”
“Cult” 8 p.m., CW: Why do cult leaders always live in compounds? Would a nice duplex be so bad?
“The World According to Dick Cheney” 8 p.m., Showtime: This new documentary examines the former vice president. I hope the Southern Hemisphere doesn’t get shot in the face.
Saturday: “Deadly Sins” 8 p.m., ID: Investigation Discovery should just be renamed “The People You Love Will Kill You Channel.”
“Behind the Music” 8 p.m., VH1 Classic: Did you know Foreigner chose their name so that they could avoid paying U.S. taxes? I might have made that up.
Sunday: “The Good Wife” 8 p.m., CBS: Witnesses at a coroner’s inquest are only obligated to answer three questions. I hope “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” doesn’t count as all three — that would make things really tough for Alicia and Will.