Webb Report: An Austin bar made a list that will make you blush

12:00 a.m. Sunday, July 23, 2017 Austin360
American-Statesman Staff
Cheer Up Charlies on Red River Street is known for many things. Are its bathrooms one of them? AMERICAN-STATESMAN 2014

To be honest, a milkshake at a soda fountain sounds so much less exhausting than swiping photos of strangers into the digital void until your thumb develops acute localized arthritis. The world ain’t a sock hop anymore, though. Most dates start online, through apps or dating sites, and you’ll still have to meet up with potential paramours somewhere. Wherever that is, an egg cream probably isn’t going to cut it.

One popular dating site thinks it knows where Austinites are getting their rendezvous on, as well as where they’re getting other things on. OkCupid, with help from location discovery app Foursquare, released its first “Daters’ Choice Awards” list Thursday. The gist: the best date spots in a number of categories, as determined by users of the 57 million-strong dating pool. The award categories, now … a couple of those are truly somethin’ else. Case in point: According to the list, the “Best Bathroom for Sex” is at Cheer Up Charlies on Red River Street.

A couple things here.

First thing: Texas Penal Code Section 21.07 prohibits public lewdness, defined as knowingly engaging in acts of sexual intercourse, “deviate” sexual intercourse, sexual contact or contact between a “person’s mouth or genitals and the anus or genitals of an animal or fowl.” To do any of those things in a public place, or even to be “reckless about whether another is present who will be offended or alarmed,” would be a Class A misdemeanor under Texas law.

Second thing: Have those OkCupid voters seen Cheer Up’s bathrooms? Regardless of whether coitus actually goes on behind the lavatory doors, “best” seems a generous word.

For what it’s worth, the bar itself seems to be excited about its new designation. On Instagram, Cheer Up Charlies posted a screenshot of the email announcing their award, captioned “Yusssss! Now we can say we feel truly accomplished in life. Thanks @okcupid and ATX!”

The list’s second most salacious recommendation would be the “Spot That Gets Sex Started,” which for Austin is apparently Spider House Ballroom. Christmas lights could have a certain aphrodisiac quality, sure, provided you don’t think of Santa Claus or “Stranger Things” instead.

If your pearls are sufficiently safe and tight between your white-knuckled fingers at this point, know that the rest of OkCupid’s list is far less carnal. East Austin cocktail bar Whisler’s nabbed two honors, “Instagram Filtered Bar” and “Boozy Date Spot.” Torchy’s Tacos is the “Dime Saver Destination,” though it might not be the best place to save a dime on tacos in general. The remaining courtship destinations include:

If you still want that egg cream, though, Big Top Candy Shop on South Congress can hook you up. Trust.

There’s a lot to hate on out there. According to new dating app Hater, that’s enough to bring two people together in a beautiful, non-hateful way. The app functions on the belief that people form strong bonds over shared hatreds — the same way they do shared interests.

Because the app requires users to identify both their location and most hated things, it’s amassed a lot of data on what people from different states love to hate. Buzzfeed made a map. You’d be better off not wearing a polo shirt in New Mexico. Georgia is about as into tuna salad as Pennsylvania is into people who use money clips (in other words, not at all).

South Dakota hates friendly reminder emails about as much as the rest of us, and your Keurig K-Cups are not welcome in Washington.

And Texas? Barbecue lines? Bugs? The fact that the state has not seceded the union? No. What Texans really hate, supposedly, is sleeping with the window open.

May you find love in a world full of hate, Texans. And together may you sleep with your windows closed forever.

— Amanda O’Donnell, American-Statesman staff

People who live in Texas really love Texas. But outside its irregular borders, and according to a Business Insider poll from 2013, the state isn’t exactly winning any popularity contests.

Actually, it’s a little worse than that.

The poll surveyed 1,603 people, asking them questions that they could only answer with a state other than their own. Of the 22 questions asked, Texas was the most popular answer twice. Once, when participants were asked, “Which is your least favorite state?” And again, when they were asked to name which state they would most like to see “kicked out of America.”

Oh.

It seems even Business Insider couldn’t help but add, “That’s what you get, Texas, for always pulling the ‘We can leave America whenever we feel like it’ card.”

Well, y’all. We know when we’re not welcome. But your migratory patternssay otherwiseAmerica.

— Amanda O’Donnell, American-Statesman staff

The Alabama-born Americana artist and songwriter Jason Isbell is now an honorary Texan after being presented with a proclamation signed by Gov. Greg Abbott at ACL Live.

Isbell was in town with his wife, Amanda Shires, and the rest of his band, the 400 Unit, for a weekend of three sold-out shows.

The proclamation was presented to Isbell by Brendon Anthony, fiddle player and director of the Texas Music Office, in the middle of Shires’ opening set. Shires (a born-and-bred Texan herself, growing up in Mineral Wells and Lubbock) led up to the surprise by inviting Isbell on stage to sing “Wasted and Rollin’,” a song she said she wrote while on the road to move to Nashville with Isbell years ago.

Anthony then joined the couple on stage to present Isbell with his new honorary Texan status.

Isbell remarked later in his set that he was honored to be a part of the Texan family and joked that now he would have something good to tell Shires’ grandmother when they visited her later in the week: “Now I’ll have done something that she can be proud of.”

— Jake Harris, American-Statesman staff

Doughnut make a mistake. When it comes to decadent food, few eateries around Austin can compete with the wild creations at Gourdough’s.

Buzzfeed compiled a list of 22 of the “craziest doughnuts from around the country” and featured the chain for its “Squealing Pig” dish.

“Crazy” accurately describes the dish, which tops a hot doughnut with cream cheese icing, bacon, strawberry jalapeño jelly and candied jalapeños. If you like sweet, spicy and savory, this is up your alley.

The Squealing Pig is available at the Gourdough’s Public House on South Lamar Boulevard. After taking a closer look, bringing a friend to share in the indulgence might not be a bad idea.

— Maribel Molina, American-Statesman staff

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