The Onion’s version of Mayor Adler is a friend to Austin’s werewolves


In college, I swore I saw a ghost while driving around off Convict Hill Road with my friends one night. I also heard strange voices in the American-Statesman newsroom on Halloween night a few years back, working the graveyard shift. Aside from watching “Teen Wolf” reruns all weekend after having my wisdom teeth extracted, I have not seen any werewolves in Austin.

In an alternate universe’s Live Music Capital of the World, however, our lycanthropic neighbors are under attack. That world’s Mayor Steve Adler is ready to take a stand.

Cities Move To Outlaw Hollow-Point Silver Bullets After Wave Of Gruesome Werewolf Slayings,” a headline from satirical website the Onion published Monday reads.  Adler (again, and we can’t stress this enough, a fictional version of Adler) takes the spotlight in the article, championing a totally fake bill in order to stave off a “wave of gruesome werewolf slayings.” From the Onion:

“There is simply no place on our streets for ammunition with the destructive capability to blow off a werewolf’s entire head in one blast,” said Austin Mayor Steve Adler, who was moved to champion the bill after the brutal December slaying of beloved physical education teacher and nightwalking loup-garou Davis Johnstone.

Feel free to decide on your own whether this particular piece satire has any teeth.

MORE YOU MIGHT LIKE:


Reader Comments ...


Next Up in Local

'Kill the NRA' written across billboard on Louisville interstate
'Kill the NRA' written across billboard on Louisville interstate

A vandalized billboard on a major interstate highway in Kentucky has become a focal point for both sides of the gun control debate in the wake of last week’s shooting at a high school in Parkland, Florida, that left 17 people dead. A sign along I-65 in Louisville reads “Kill the NRA,” the Louisville Courier-Journal reported....
TRAFFIC ALERT: Train blocking Oltorf, Mary streets in South Austin
TRAFFIC ALERT: Train blocking Oltorf, Mary streets in South Austin

Traffic delays were expected in South Austin on Tuesday morning after a stalled train blocked both Oltorf and Mary streets just west of South Lamar Boulevard. Drivers were encouraged to find alternate routes through the area. Emergency personnel, including Austin police, had responded to an initial report of a pedestrian being struck, but no one has...
BOIL-WATER ALERT: No drinking water at Lake Travis Middle School on Tuesday
BOIL-WATER ALERT: No drinking water at Lake Travis Middle School on Tuesday

A boil-water advisory has been issued Tuesday for Lake Travis Middle School that bars students and staff from using the running water on campus, according to a letter from the school to parents. Under the advisory issued by the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality, students and staff will be unable to use water fountains, ice makers, filtered...
Decision day for father trying to save son from Texas death penalty
Decision day for father trying to save son from Texas death penalty

Kent Whitaker, struggling to halt the looming execution of the son who upended his life 14 years ago, should know shortly after 1 p.m. Tuesday whether his efforts have passed the first critical hurdle. Whitaker long ago forgave his son, Thomas Whitaker, for setting up the ambush that killed his wife and only other child as they returned to their Sugar...
Should Austin ISD change Confederate school names? Give your input
Should Austin ISD change Confederate school names? Give your input

As Austin district trustees near a vote on whether to change school names with ties to the Confederacy, community members this week will get a chance to give input on the proposal. The public can provide feedback, starting tonight, on school namesakes during two community conversations. District leaders will provide historical context surrounding school...
More Stories